Our Beautiful Precious Baby Boy Maddox..... April 11, 2011

This is the most difficult entry.....

After a restless night of sleep, we hastily make our way to our son's bedside.  The hope is that his numbers have rebounded and Maddox is on his way to getting better.  We arrive only to be disappointed.  His numbers haven't improved but in reality they've become worse.  The doctor who was on duty who happened to be the Director of the NICU comes into our room and gives us the second talk, a talk that no parent whats to hear let alone try to grasp.  Maddox had a very rough stretch earlier and we had come to that point; there wasn't anything left that they could do.  They tried a variety of acute medications but that didn't work.  In fact, adding more acute medications would only make matters more complex.  We were back to why we were there--the structure of our son's lungs.  The volume of the lungs were ok but the formation of the blood vessels were not.  They formed abnormally which is ultimately the defining thing with CDH.  There just wasn't enough room in the blood vessels to get oxygen to the rest of the body.

A little later Maddox's primary doctor come into the room (Dr. Arnold).  She relates how she heard Maddox had a bad weekend, would get caught up and come speak to us.  We knew what that talk would comprise of but didn't want to accept it.  She tells us that despite all that they are doing, Maddox is trying to die.  He just can't do it any longer.  His oxygen levels was in the 60s and were slowly declining.  They were so low for such an extended period of time, it was probably causing irreversible internal damage.  She gives us the options.  Do we leave Maddox on the ventilator that he is on or do we switch ventilators, make him comfortable so we can hold him and be with him?  Either way, the life in our son was slowly leaving. We had never held our son because he had always been unstable.  We made the decision to switch ventilators so we could hold him and at that point it would only be a matter of time.  Family and friends rushed to be by our side.  They made their way from Dallas, San Antonio and here in Houston.

Holding our beautiful son Maddox for the first time was an experience we will never forget. We took turns holding him and we continued to trade off. It was truly amazing. Maddox has touched our lives and other peoples lives there at the hospital. He taught us love, the deepest love you could ever have for someone. But it was heart breaking at the same time because we knew our son was slowly dying. His heart rate and blood pressure continued to dwindle over the course of the day. His colors and features continued to change as well. We continued to tell him that Mommy and Daddy LOVED him SOOO MUCH and told him we were SOO PROUD of him. He fought HARD as long as he could. We told him we will see him in paradise and will hold him and the best thing is that he would never know what transpired.  At 5:13 pm he took his last breath in his father's arms. We all couldn't stop crying. It was the most devastating thing that could happen to us, for anyone really. We continued to hold Maddox tight in our arms and continued to talk to him late in the night. Holding our lifeless son was just heartbreaking. No parent should ever go through this. The hardest thing was leaving our son and knowing that he wouldn't be coming home with us. We loved him sooo much. Words can't describe the pain we felt as we gave our Beautiful Baby Boy Maddox to his nurse.

Losing your child is the hardest thing anyone can go through. We find comfort in knowing that he's not suffering. Maddox is now in the best place--Jehovah's memory. We know we did all we could to have the best care for Maddox and we know for a fact Maddox did all he could to fight for his life. The entire staff here at Texas Children's were great from beginning to end.  We are comforted in knowing he's just asleep. Oh how we yearn to see, hold and kiss him in paradise! The continued support of friends and family and most importantly the support of our God, Jehovah will continue to provide the comfort that we need.

Maddox will always be our beloved firstborn beautiful son. He gave us 19 wonderful days.  We love him and miss him soooo much.

Maddox Soukanh Torry

  March 23, 2011-April 11, 2011

 Cozy in Dad's Arms

Much love to you all and thank you for your ongoing support

Tawa and Jenny Torry